| Cry Baby Lane Transcript |
| Mr. Bennett tells Carl and Andrew a story from the parlor
of his funeral home. Bennett: It all happened some time ago. There was a farmer whose wife gave birth to twins, but something was terribly wrong. Due to a rare embryonic mutation, the infants joined as one flesh and came into this world freaks, and the farmer hid them away. As they grew, it became clear that one was good, and the other was evil. Now it happened that one of the twins fell ill, and because they shared the same liver, the illness quickly spread, and they both perished. Not wanting to expose his shame, the farmer decided to unjoin the bodies, and bury only the good son in the town's cemetery. He buried the evil son in a fallow field at the end of an old dirt road called Cry Baby Lane, because legend has it: anyone caught out there at night on that desolate road can hear the cries of the evil child calling for vengeance from beyond the grave. Andrew: No way. Carl: I know what that road is. It's - uh - out by Portage, right? Bennett: An undertaker lives a life of intrigue, boys; one foot in this world, another in the grave. The things I’ve seen… Carl: Excellent. Andrew: It’s getting late. Bennett: Oh is it? It seems early. I don't sleep much. I never have. You know the average person swallows five spiders a year in his sleep? It's a fact. Kenneth: Uncle Ben… Bennett: How’s Mr. Bulman? Kenneth: I finished with his shampoo and rinse, but I still have to dry and set, and ream out the suction tubes. Bennett: Right. Andrew: It's really getting late. Bennett: Some more coffee? Carl: Oh Mr. Bennett, nevermind Andrew. He’s a worm. Andrew: Mom said- Carl: Spineless. Andrew: Cut it out! Carl: Bait. Bennett: No, no, it's okay. Andrew's right. It's late. Better go. Cut to outside the funeral home. Bennett: Goodnight, boys. Carl and Andrew: Bye, Mr. Bennett. Bennett: Come back any time. It’s dead here! Opening credits sequence with Carl and Andrew riding through the town on their way home. Cut to Carl and Andrew’s bedroom, where they are sleeping. Andrew awakens from a nightmare about the story that Mr. Bennett told them. Andrew: No way. Andrew goes to his parents’ room. Andrew: Mom? Ann: What’s the matter, Andrew? Andrew: I had a nightmare. Ann: Oh honey. Dick: You’re not sleeping in here! Ann: Come on. Ann escorts Andrew back to his room. Andrew: Have you ever heard of Cry Baby Lane? Ann: No. Andrew: Mr. Bennett told us this story- Ann: Bennett … What did I tell you about that man? He’s a bad influence. I don't want you going over there again, understood? No wonder you can’t sleep. Ann strikes Carl, partially waking him. Carl: I didn’t do anything. Ann: No more, you hear me? I don't want you two going to that funeral home again, understood? Carl: I didn’t Ann: Carl… Cut to the next morning. Andrew is taking a shower. Carl flushes the toilet, causing the water to get very hot, forcing Andrew out. Andrew: What was that for!? Carl: For being ugly. What do you think? Now we can’t go to Bennett’s. Andrew: It just came out. Carl: You know what? How about you try to remember that you're my brother and not a worm. It's embarrassing. Andrew: I'm not a worm. Carl and Andrew go to their bedroom, where Andrew gets dressed. Carl: My job as I see it is to teach you how to live. Life is like wrestling: you can go toe to toe for the heavyweight title, or you can squat in the cheap seats with the brats and the grannies. Andrew: You think I'm afraid of everything, but I'm not. I'm normal. You're the one with the problem. Carl takes down Andrew with a wrestling move. Carl: Do you think I have nothing better to do than salvage your pathetic life? Do you think I enjoy this? Andrew: Get off! Mom! Carl: Fine, I give up. You’re a lost cause, Andrew! Cut to a hobbit hole clubhouse that Andrew has with his younger neighbor, Hall. Hall: You want the ring, Baggins? You have to go through me first. Come and get it! Andrew: Hall, you ever feel kind of stupid? The whole world is full of adventure and we sit in a stupid hobbit hole and never do anything. Hall: We prepare the way for the return of the king. Andrew: The Lord of the Rings is fiction, Hall. Hall: Who peed in your cornflakes? Andrew: All right, I’m sorry. I gotta go. Hall: All right. Shake the sword that was broken. Andrew: Whatever. Andrew goes back into his house, where Carl is in the living room, tearing up papers. Andrew: Carl? Come on, Carl. I’m sorry, all right? Lighten up! What, are you never going to talk to me again? Come on Carl, that’s my homework. Carl, I’ll make it up to you, all right? Carl: Good man, Andrew. Here’s the plan. Cut to Carl and Andrew riding their bicycles through the town cemetery. Carl: Okay, this idea came to me at Bennett’s. It’s perfect. There's nothing girls like more than to be scared out of their minds. All we need is a kid's grave. Come on! Cut to Carl and Andrew at a gravestone that says “Muller 1962-1969.” Carl: Heads up. Andrew: I think this is a bad idea. Carl: Hold on. Carl sets up his tape player around the grave, playing a creepy recording with laughing and screaming. Carl: Not bad. Andrew: You’re a genius. A regular Stephen King. Carl: Thank you. Carl begins to conceal his tape player and speakers, pulling a weed from around the gravestone. Carl: Oh here we go. This is perfect. Hide that. Snack cake? Cut to the cemetery at night. Louise, Megan, and Kathy approach the fence of the cemetery. Louise: Why do we always do whatever Carl says? Megan: I get carl. Louise: No way! Megan: I called it! Louise: A person just doesn't get a person! Besides, who do I get? Megan: Duh, Andrew. Louise: Ugh, grotesque. Besides, Kathy likes Andrew. Kathy: Grow up. Louise: We're older than you! . . . This is morbid! Kathy: It beats sitting in your camper, watching TV. Carl surprises the girls from the other side of the fence. Carl: Well said! Megan: Carl! Carl: Hey Andrew! Look who’s here! Andrew emerges from behind some trees. Andrew: Hey Kathy, Louise. Louise: If my mom knew I was at a seance with you, I'd be grounded. She says you're a bad influence. Megan: I want to bring back Princess Di. Andrew: Figures. Megan: Who do you want to bring back? Princess Leia? Carl: People, please. We're here for a reason. You can only resurrect the spirit when you’re at their grave. Kathy: What about psychics? They do it in your living room. Carl: That’s different! Kathy: Uh-huh. (sarcastically) Cut to the whole group sitting around the Muller grave. Carl: Andrew, candle please. You girls ever heard the story of Cry Baby Lane? It was in the 50s. Kathy: 60s. (as she gestures towards the headstone) Carl: 60s, right. There was this farmer whose wife gave birth to these siamese twins. Louise: Gross. Kathy: What was his name? Carl: Mul-ler. Kathy: His first name. Carl: Why? Louise: What was his first name? Carl: Ugh, Bill, I don’t know. You ask a lot of questions for girls. Megan: What's that supposed to mean? Carl: Nothing! Can I go on please? I'm trying to set the mood here. Andrew: Come on, Carl. Carl: What? Kathy: Maybe Andrew should tell the story. Carl: No way! I'm telling the story! Now listen! Megan: Siamese twins… Carl: Siamese twins. There was this farmer's wife, gave birth to these siamese twins, but the farmer was so ashamed at them being freaks, he'd never let them out of the house. So they just lived up there, festering, eating dead spiders and mice. They never changed their clothes, they never cleaned their room . . . and they grew. And as they got older, it became clear that one twin was good, and the other . . . well the other was evil. Then one day one of the twins got really sick, and since they shared the same liver, the virus quickly spread through their bodies, and they both croaked. And not wanting to expose the shame, the farmer took a chainsaw and separated the bodies in two. He buried the evil twin out in the - uh - end of a little dirt road called Cry Baby Lane. And legend has it, if you go there in the middle of the night, you can hear the sound of the dead twin crying from beyond his grave. Louise: But what about the- Carl: The good son? Well, he’s right here, beneath us. Carl secretly queues up the hidden tape player. Carl: Let us all join hands. Arise, spirit of the dead. From in the other side, son of Muller, we are calling you forth. We know you are the good son. We come in peace. Exray omnay ismay balalay! If you can hear us, speak now. Carl’s creepy tape recording begins to play right on queue. Carl: What was that!? Louise: Where!? Carl: Don’t you see it!? Kathy: Carl, stop it! Carl’s creepy recording suddenly stops, and the rock music he had taped over begins to play. Carl laughs hysterically, while the girls are not very amused. Kathy: Ha-ha-ha. (Sarcastically) Andrew: It was Carl’s idea. Carl: Pretty good, huh? Megan: Carl! Louise: That was pretty scary, but I was totally unscared. Megan: Oh right. A child crying can suddenly be heard. Kathy: Cut it out, Carl. Andrew: Carl, just stop. Carl holds up the tape, showing that he is not the one making the sound. The crying turns to laughter, and when the group looks down, they see that they are sitting on a bed of glowing worms. Carl: Um . . . I’m leaving! Everyone in the group takes off running. Cut to Carl and Andrew arriving at their house on their bicycles. Andrew: What was that? Carl: How am I supposed to know? Andrew: Carl, maybe the seance worked Carl: Oh yeah, maybe I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin. Andrew: Then what was it? Carl: I don’t want to talk about it. Carl and Andrew go inside. Overnight, the glowing worms are shown in the cemetery, and a local dog’s eyes begin to glow. Cut to the next morning, outside Bennett’s. He gets into his hearse and drives over to the cemetery. He parks next to a backhoe and honks his horn. Bennett: Gary! Gary awakens from the bucket of the backhoe, groaning. Gary: Oh man. Bennett: Rise and shine! Gary: I was in a dream I was in the Price is Right . . . and I lost. Bennett: Is everything all set for Tuesday? Gary: Oh what’s Tuesday? Bennett: Bulmer. Gary: Oh no no, not by Tuesday Bennett: Well Gary, all you got to do is dig a hole. Gary: You think all I have to do is dig a hole? Bennett: Well . . . yes. Gary: No. I gotta use the backhoe. I gotta gas up the backhoe. I gotta go get gas for the backhoe. I gotta put the gas in the backhoe. Bennett: Let's start with the plot. Where's the plot? Gary: I gotta look at the map. I gotta get the map out of my pocket. Gary looks at the map and starts to lead Bennett to the Bulmer plot. Gary: Come on down! Ha ha ha! Bennett lags behind Gary, noticing the candle from Carl and Andrew’s seance. Gary: It’s over here! Noticing that Bennett is not following him, Gary goes back to see what Bennett is doing. Bennett smells the candle. Bennett: Strawberry. Gary notices Carl’s tape recorder and picks it up. Gary: Mega bass. Bennett: Wait, let me see that. Bennett opens the tape recorder and finds a tape labeled, “Carl’s Summer Party Jams.” Bennett: Did you notice anything funny last night? Gary: You think I live here? Bennett: Oh no, I thought you just - you might be passing by. Gary: You guys . . . give me that. I’ll put it in the lost and found. The dog whose eyes had begun to glow the night before begins barking at the men from a distance. Gary: Hey man, I don't like no dogs. Bennett: Oh Mary's an old sweetheart. What is it, girl? The dog begins to bark more aggressively. Gary: Oh man. Bennett: When I say so . . . run. Gary does not hesitate and begins running away immediately, causing the dog to pursue him. Meanwhile, Bennett runs to his hearse and drives over to where the dog has forced Gary to the ground. Gary hits the dog with a stick, and it runs away as Gary dives away from Bennett’s incoming hearse. Bennett reaches over the passenger seat and opens the door. Bennett: Hurry up! Come on! Gary gets into the hearse and Bennett drives away, as the dog pounds on the window. Cut to Gary’s trailer. Bennett helps him over to the couch. Gary: Oh man. Bennett: I don't see any bite marks. Gary: It's internal injuries! Man, I can't afford no doctor. Bennett: Doctor’s will kill you. I’ve seen it. Gary: How am I supposed to work the backhoe? Bennett goes to the kitchen and begins filling a kettle with water. Gary: Hey, I don't need no hot water. I need workman’s comp. Bennett: I've never seen that dog even bark at anyone. Gary: It’s bad luck. Now anything can happen. Look what happened to me. Hey, what time is it? Bennett: It’s quarter of. Oh man, I'm missing the Hollywood Squares! Hey, hey, could you just? Bennett turns on the TV, Cut to Andrew sitting on his bedroom floor on the phone. Andrew: Hi Kathy, it's me, Andrew. Yeah. I've been thinking a lot about last night. Are you okay? I never knew things would go so far. I’m sorry. Andrew puts the phone down and starts crossing off the script that he is rehearsing. Andrew: Ah, stupid, stupid! Carl grabs the notebook from Andrew. Carl: What is this? Andrew: That’s mine! Carl reads the notebook page and begins to recite a script for Andrew out loud. Carl: Kathy, I am a woman. I want to wear your femme scout uniform . . . There, perfect. Dial the phone. Andrew: It’s not what you think it is. Carl: Andrew, please, come on. You can't hide anything from me. I know everything. Carl throws the notebook at Andrew and puts him in a headlock. Carl: You see, men, men do not make scripts. Men do not fear phones. Men do not dress like stupid hobbits. Men take what they want and leave the others bleeding on the turnbuckle! Carl releases Andrew and throws him into a beanbag chair. Andrew: What am I supposed to say after last night!? How do I apologize for raising the dead!? Carl: We didn’t raise the dead! Andrew: Then what was it? Carl: I don’t know. Wind? Who cares? Andrew: It wasn’t wind! Carl farts. Carl: That was. Ha ha! Bennett pulls up in his hearse to the front of the house. The boys can see him out the window of their bedroom. They eavesdrop on the conversation. Andrew: It’s Bennett. Carl: What? Cut to the front porch where Bennett knocks on the door and Ann answers. Bennett: Hello, Ann. I need to talk to your boys. Ann: About what? Bennett: Well, to tell you the truth, I'd rather not say. Are they here? Ann: You’d rather not say? You know, I think we need to have a talk about something, Ben. I don't like what's been going on with you and my kids. You know, Andrew had nightmares the other night so bad he couldn't sleep. Do you enjoy scaring children? Bennett: Look, there's something strange going on. Ann: Didn't you hear what I just said? Bennett: I just came from the cemetery and - uh - T-Bone's dog, he tried to rip Gary's throat out. Uh, something funny went on there last night and I think maybe your kids might know something about it. Ann: I want you to stay away from Carl and Andrew. I don't want them visiting you. I don't want you stirring up their imaginations. I don't like you! Bennett: I guess you're really upset with me about your mom's funeral, huh? Well, look, it was an honest mistake, Ann. She wasn't presentable. Ann: Don't mess around with me, Ben. Ann slams the screen door on the porch, turns around, and goes back inside. Bennett: Go along. Bennett heads back to his hearse and leaves. Cut to upstairs in Carl and Andrew’s bedroom. Andrew: Carl. Carl: What? Andrew: What’s going on? Carl: Nothing. We didn’t do anything. Andrew: That was stupid. That was so stupid! Carl: Hey, look! I don't care if zombies are walking around the streets! We had nothing to do with it! You better not say anything to mom. There's nothing funny going. Cut to behind Louise’s house, where she, Megan, and Kathy are headed from the house to the camper in the backyard. Louise: I’m scared! Kathy: There’s nothing to be scared of! Megan: I can't believe Carl didn't call me. Louise: Aren’t you!? Kathy: It was a joke, Louise! Louise: Well, I don't think it's very funny! Louise hears the sound of a branch breaking in the woods. Louise: What was that? Kathy: Let’s get in the camper. Cut to Louise's front porch, where Ellen, a fellow girl scout, rings the doorbell. Mrs. Hunt answers the door, holding a baby and holding a bowl of cookie dough with a wooden spoon sticking out of it. Ellen: Sorry I’m late, Mrs. Hunt. Cookie dough? That's gonna kill the baby. Mrs. Hunt: They're out back in the rambler. It’s ecology night. Ellen: Sign language. Tonight is sign language. The baby starts to cry. Ellen turns around and makes her way around the house to the backyard Ellen: Where is everybody? Ellen looks down to find a pile of glowing worms. Disembodied voice: Come and find out! Cut to a bowl of spaghetti. Andrew, Ann, and Dick are eating spaghetti at their dinner table. Ann: You haven't touched your dinner. Andrew: What’s the point? Ann: I don’t know. Andrew: Why am I so afraid of everything? Ann: Afraid? You’re not, Andrew. You’re sensible. Andrew: No, I’m not. Look at Carl. Ann: Oh please. Andrew: Carl's fearless. Carl can talk to people. Carl can do stuff. I can't even make a phone call. Ann: You’re too hard on yourself. Andrew: I was thinking it was your fault. Ann: My fault? Andrew: Yeah! You're too overprotective. Dad always says so. Dick suddenly stands up from the table, wanting to avoid this conflict. Dick: I left something in the yard. Ann: Well that's just great. Andrew: You wouldn't even let me go out for wrestling. Ann: Is that what this is about? I never said you couldn't go out for wrestling. It's a brutal sport and I can't believe our public schools teach children to attack each other, but I never said you couldn't go out for wrestling. If I say “go out for wrestling,” would you eat your dinner? Go out for gladiating! Go out for dueling! Andrew: I didn’t mean it th- Ann: No, you didn’t. You never do! Well sometimes in life you have to do! Andrew: I want to live! Ann: Then eat! Andrew storms out of the room and up the stairs, where Carl is sitting on the top step, eavesdropping on the argument. Carl: Sorry, Andrew. It's my fault. I've driven her nuts. Andrew goes around Carl and into their bedroom. Carl: Where do you think you’re going? Andrew: Out. Andrew, now with his coat on, heads for the bedroom window. Carl: Way to go, Andrew! Carl and Andrew jump down from the porch roof to the ground. Carl: Hey, where are we going? Andrew: Kathy Pepper’s Carl: Way to go, Andrew! Hall is in the front yard holding a toy lightsaber. Hall: Hey, count me in! Andrew: Not now, Hall. Hall: Man, this is great! I'll go get my bike! Andrew: Hall, you can’t come. Hall: What? Cause it’s a girl? I know a girl for you. Carl: Hall, what have I told you about breathing my air? Hall: You don’t scare me. Andrew: Forget it , Hall. Hall: She likes you. Andrew: I’m not going out with your mom! Hall: Yeah, but if you married her, you could be my dad! Andrew: Hall, look, you’re nine, I’m twelve. I’m twelve years old. You gotta stop coming over. You’re a good kid. Hall: My mom was right about you. You are pathetic! Hall leaves. Carl and Andrew get on their bicycles and ride away. Cut to a pickup truck driving down a wooded road. Radio: And around the county, an unprecedented number of vandalism has taken place, because here, authorities have reported seeing a roving gang of teenage girls. Several residents have complained. A two-liter bottle of soda hits the windshield of the truck, causing the man driving to lose control and wreck into a creek. Kathy, Megan, Louise, and Ellen can be seen running and chanting as they run into the woods. Meanwhile, the man on the radio is explaining that many animals appear to have contracted rabies, in an attempt to explain their sudden aggressive behavior. Cut back to the street where Carl and Andrew live, where a postal worker is driving his van down the street and knocking down mailboxes and trash cans with a baseball bat. Ann hears the noise from inside. Ann: What was that? Dick: Probably just some kids. Ann: I'm gonna go check on Andrew. Dick: Oh, give him a break. Ann: I'm concerned. Dick: You hover. Ann: I don't hover. Dick: You smother him Ann: Oh, because I take an active role in my child's welfare? Dick: Fine, then go check on him. Ann: I don't feel like it. Cut to Andrew and Carl riding their bicycles down a wooded road. It is getting dark. Carl: What do you plan to do when we get there? Andrew: I don't have a plan. Carl and Andrew stop riding. Carl: What do you mean you don't have a plan? You have to have a plan. Okay, okay, here it is: don’t think, just be. Andrew: That’s a plan? Carl: Right. Andrew: Be what? Carl: Be bold, be fearless, be the man. Andrew: I’m the man. Carl: Louder. Andrew: I’m the man! Carl: I’m the man! Louder! Andrew: I’m the man! Carl: I’m the man! Andrew: I’m the man! The railroad crossing in the distance begins to light up and bells sound. Carl: Or are you still a worm? Carl starts racing towards the railroad crossing. Andrew: I’m the man. Andrew starts racing after Carl. As Carl approaches the tracks, Andrew sees that he is cutting it very close to the train. Andrew: Carl! No! Carl! Carl makes it to the other side of the tracks just in time, but Andrew is stuck on the other side. Carl laughs at Andrew. Andrew: Jerk! Jerk! The glowing worms appear beneath Carl. Disembodied Voice: Carl, you wanna play? Suddenly, Carl finds himself in the cemetery at the Muller grave. Kathy, Megan, and Louise approach him. Kathy: Hi. Megan: Hi, Carl. Louise: Hi. Carl: Kathy? What’s going on? Kathy: We’re having fun. There’s someone who wants to meet you. The girls’ eyes are glowing. As they get close, Carl gets pulled into the Muller grave. Carl: Help! Somebody, please help me! Help! Disembodied Voice: You’re mine! Carl: Who’s there? The disembodied voice is revealed to be a young man sitting in the dark. Young Man: You’re mine, Carl. Andrew, unaware of what is happening to Carl, is riding in circles on his bike and singing to pass the time as he waits for the train to pass. Once it does, Carl is back, sitting on his bike and waiting for Andrew. Andrew: You’re insane. Carl: She’s not home. Andrew: Who’s not home? Carl: I know where Kathy is. Carl begins riding back the way they came and Andrew follows him. Cut to Ann and Dick watching TV in the living room. Ann: I can’t help it. Ann can no longer resist her urge to check on Andrew and gets off the couch. Dick: I knew it. Ann knocks on the boys’ door. Ann: Andrew? Carl? Can I come in? Ann opens the door to discover that the boys are not there. Ann: Dick! They’re gone! Dick: And? Go find them! Look, Ann. You only had sisters. Boys are different. They need to explore. I think it's healthy. I mean if there was some boogeyman out there, but what's going to happen, they get muddy? Yeah I could drive all night long, never find them, maybe fall asleep behind the wheel, but what kind of message would that send? What are we really saying here? Cut to Carl and Andrew entering a barn. Andrew: Where are we going? Carl: Slumber party. Andrew: A slumber party in a barn? Carl: Are you gonna trust me? You ask a lot of questions. Come on! Andrew: Wait up! Carl? Carl! Andrew falls into a pit of mud and/or manure. Carl: Calm down, calm down. I have a plan, okay? Andrew takes off his clothes, leaving him only in his underwear, socks, and shoes. Andrew: It’s freezing! Carl: Stand over by the space heater. I'll run home and get you some clothes. Andrew: What space heater? Suddenly, Carl is gone, but the girls appear, and they immediately begin yelling and throwing things at Andrew. They also suddenly vanish before long. After a few moments, Andrew begins to hear noises in the barn. Andrew: Carl? Carl? Cut it out, Carl! A bull comes around the corner and begins charging at Andrew. He frantically yells and tries to force the door open. Fortunately, a farmer hears him, opens the door, and shuts it just in time to keep the bull inside. Andrew runs across the fields, the train tracks, and through the town, until he finds some men drinking on their porch and having a barbeque. He hides behind the boat that is docked on a trailer in the yard, until he sees an opportunity to run over to the clothesline and grab some clothes. As Andrew is putting the clothes on that he commandeered, a closeup is shown of one of the men, revealing that his eyes are glowing. He throws a lit cigarette onto the ground, igniting a line of fuel leading to the boat, which explodes. Half dressed, Andrew sees this and starts running. Cut to Bennett’s Funeral Home, where clients Dan, Georgette, and their daughters are about to leave for the night. Georgette: Well, that’s that. Bennett: I tried to make him look healthy. Dan: You did a great job, Ben. Bennett: Oh, thanks Dan. Dan: Everything. It's really - uh - nice of you to throw in the flowers and the food. Bennett: Throw in? Uh, Dan! Dan, I’d like to talk to you a minute. As the family is walking out the door, Andrew runs in wearing the clothes that he stole. Andrew: Mr Bennett- Bennett: Oh, Andrew. I’m very glad you came. I want to talk to you, too. Listen come over here Too out of breath to interrupt Mr. Bennett, he is shepherded through the basement door so Mr. Bennett can take care of business with Dan outside. Bennett: Dan! Here, look, you see? It's all itemized. Dan: I never asked for cold cuts Georgette: Thirty dollars for coffee? Are you trying to exploit us? Bennett: I just assumed. Georgette: Typical. Bennett: It's standard stuff. Georgette: Tell him your uncle's a lawyer. Dan: You want lawyers involved? Bennett: Dan, come on. We’re friends, huh? Dan: No, we’re not. Dan drives away. Meanwhile, Andrew is exploring the dark basement. He eventually finds a light, and when he turns it on, a body under a sheet suddenly sits up. It turns out to be Kenneth, Mr. Bennett’s nephew and assistant. Andrew: What are you doing!? Kenneth: Sleeping. What are you doing? Mr. Bennett enters, rolling a coffin in behind him. Bennett: Kenneth, help me get this loser into a cheaper box. Go out back, get me a Daniker 4015. Kenneth: Daniker 4015. Bennett: Yeah, stripped, no frills. Mr. Bennett opens the coffins and begins taking the socks off of a corpse. Bennett: Well, this guy's beginning to smell. Andrew: Mr Bennett, something's happened. Bennett: Yeah, just a minute, Andrew. Cut to upstairs, where Mr. Bennett and Andrew are now standing and talking. Andrew: Something's happened to Carl. He did something, and I could have been killed. Bennett: Okay just back up - um - so, tell me, you two went to the cemetery, huh? Andrew: Carl wanted to have a seance. Bennett: Well, how did you know to go to the Muller grave? Andrew: We just picked one. It was part of a joke. Bennett: What happened? Andrew: I swear something else was there. I could feel it. Then I heard you saying strange things were going on. He wanted to kill me! Bennett: Andrew - um - let me tell you a story. Andrew: Not now. Bennett: Listen, it's about the farmer who had the siamese twins. Well there's something I forgot to mention. After the twins died, and they were separated, there was a mistake. Andrew: And? Bennett: The bodies got put into the wrong graves. The good son was buried out in the field, and the evil one was put in the grave where you had your seance last night. I think you roused an evil spirit, and I think everything it comes across turns evil. Andrew: You're telling me one story and now you're telling me another story. Bennett: I'm the one who separated the bodies. Andrew: You're making this up. Bennett: I know it sounds bad. It is bad. I’m a bad undertaker. I'm much better with animals. Come one. Let’s get hoofing. Andrew: Hoofing where? Bennett: All I can figure is this: there's an evil spirit out there, and everything it touches turns bad, but there's a good spirit, too, and it's buried at Cry Baby Lane, so if we can raise it up, zip! everybody's happy. You got a better plan? Andrew: Why did you tell us the story and why didn't you tell us the whole thing? Bennett: Because I didn't want anybody messing around, if you can believe that. Andrew: Then why tell it at all!? Bennett: Because you like ghost stories! Isn't that the only reason you come over!? All right, I’m sorry. I’ll go, just tell me how you did it. Andrew: It was pig latin. It was a joke. Bennett: Oh, here comes trouble. Ann barges into the funeral home. Andrew: I can’t go home! Carl will be there! Ann: I want you to know, I'm gonna have you reported! Bennett: Hello, Ann. You look nice. Ann: I don’t know who to, but you are not gonna get away with this! Let's go. Bennett: Whatever you do, don't let yourself be alone with Carl! Ann: You stop scaring my children! I'm gonna call the police. I'll have a restraining order put on you, you . . . sick… Bennett: Andrew, be careful! Ann: You'll be lucky if you're not run out of town! Ann drives away with Andrew. Andrew: I'm scared mom Ann: I know what happened. Carl told me all about it. Andrew: Tonight? Ann: Yes, and he is in plenty of trouble! But it’s all over. And these gruesome pranks are gonna stop as of immediately! Andrew: What did he tell you? Ann: No more! Do you hear me? It’s over! No more stories, no more dares! Ugh, you know, Hall’s mother called me half out of her mind. She doesn't know where her kids are! I don't know what's going on in this town. Ann parks in the driveway. Ann: Hello? Earth to Andrew. Andrew: How come dad's car isn’t here? Ann: Since somebody left their bike out in the middle of nowhere, your dad went out to bring it back for you. Andrew: I don’t like it. Ann: Andrew, look at me. Carl is your brother. He loves you. He's sorry he frightened you. It's not going to happen again, believe me. I've been through it with him. Now let’s go inside. Ann and Andrew get out of the car and enter the living room, where Carl is watching TV. Ann: Carl, do you have something to say to Andrew? Carl: I'm sorry, Andrew. Ann: And? Carl: I guess I got carried away. I didn't mean to scare you so bad. Won't happen again Carl offers a handshake to Andrew. Ann: Andrew? Carl: Come on, Andrew. I feel really bad. Ann: Your brother is trying to apologize. Andrew finally shakes Carl’s hand. Ann: There. Carl: I never should have taken you to Bennett’s. Mom’s right. He is a bad influence. Andrew: Yeah, I guess. Ann: All right, now go get yourself cleaned up and give me those ridiculous clothes. Cut to Gary’s trailer, where he appears to have made a miraculous recovery, preparing a dinner date. As he pours himself a glass of boxed wine, he hears a knock at the door. Gary: Is that you, baby? Bennett: It’s Ben! Gary dumps his wine in the sink, blows out the candles on the table, shuts the music off, and lies down on the couch. Bennett: Gary? Gary: Door’s open! Mr Bennett enters the trailer. Gary: Oh man. Hey, could you give me an aspirin? Bennett: What did you mean about bad luck? Gary: Aren't you gonna ask me how i'm feeling? Bennett: It's important Gary: I wasn't saying anything. It's just a superstition, that’s all. Bennett: You said it was bad luck, now anything could happen. Gary: Yeah, it's bad luck when you're messing with the stones, like when you cut the grass. It's bad luck if you cut too close to the stones. Bennett: Why? Gary: It’s stupid! Bennett: Why? Gary: They say every grave has like a weed or a root that grows out of the soul of the dead guy. If you cut the weed, you cut the soul loose. Okay? Bennett: You cut the soul loose? Gary: It’s stupid. Dead people stay dead. Bennett: Thank you. Mr. Bennett leaves. Gary gets up and checks to see if Mr. Bennett is gone before looking at himself in the mirror. Gary: So fine. Cut to the shed outside Bennett’s Funeral Home. Kenneth is rehearsing his consolation skills. Kenneth: I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for your loss. That’s good. Mr. Bennett appears in the doorway. Bennett: Kenneth, I’m going out. Lock up the house and stay inside. Kenneth points to the casket that he was earlier asked to retrieve. Kenneth: Daniker 4015 Bennett: Yeah, it’s fine. Inside the funeral home, Mr. Bennett grabs his keys and pets one of his taxidermied animals on the nose. Bennett: Wish me luck. Mr. Bennett is suddenly struck in the back with a green lightsaber. Bennett: Ouch! Mr. Bennett turns around to see Hall standing there. Bennett: That hurt! Hall begins to move his lightsaber in a circular motion as his eyes begin to glow. Hall: A ring of gold to rule them all to seek the man to find them. A ring of gold to be their king and in my power bind them. Bennett: Excuse me? Hall hits Mr. Bennett in the side of the leg and then in the back. Bennett: All right, that’s it, kid! As Mr. Bennett attempts to apprehend Hall, he trips and gets knocked out. Hall steals the ring from Mr. Bennett’s finger. Hall: Come, my precious. Cut to Andrew turning on the shower. Then cut to downstairs where Carl is methodically bending a paperclip. Cut back to the bathroom, filled with steam, where the clothes that Andrew stole are lying about. Cut to the hallway where Carl is making his way up the stairs. Carl stops at the bathroom door and gently checks to see if it is locked. He then begins to pick the lock with the paperclip. Carl slowly and quietly enters the bathroom. He stands in front of the mirror and wipes the condensation off, revealing his glowing eyes. Carl: There's someone who wants to meet you, Andrew. Carl whips open the shower curtain, but only to find that Andrew is not inside. Cut to Andrew running down the street and arriving at Bennett’s Funeral Home. He frantically knocks on the door. Andrew: Mr. Bennett! Mr. Bennett! Andrew looks in the window and doesn’t see anyone. After receiving no response, he decides to enter anyway. Andrew: Mr. Bennett? Cut to the basement, where Mr. Bennett, along with his keys and Hall’s lightsaber, are lying on the floor. Andrew enters. Andrew: Mr. Bennett!? Mr. Bennett! Ben! Kenneth enters. Kenneth: Uncle Ben? Andrew: I think he’s dead. Kenneth, help me. Andrew begins to lift Mr. Bennett up. Kenneth punches his uncle in the stomach, waking him up. Bennett: Don’t ever do that again. Kenneth: I got the Daniker. Andrew: What happened? Was Hall here? Bennett: That dwarf stole my class ring. Andrew: He’s a hobbit. Bennett: Andrew, I want you to think real clear now. In the cemetery, at your little seance, did you cut any plants? Andrew: No. Bennett: Do you want to think about that for a split second? Andrew: Carl, he pulled up some vine to hide his Walkman. It was part of the joke Bennett: That’s it! That’s what it is! Mr. Bennett seems like he is going to pass out. Andrew: You need a doctor! Bennett: No doctors. Coffee. Listen carefully, there's a weed or a vine that grows out of the grave. It comes from the twin’s heart. You have to cut the root. Andrew: A weed that grows from its heart? Bennett: There’s a stone. You have to go to Cry Baby Lane. Andrew: I- I don’t understand! Bennett: I’ll take the check! Mr. Bennett passes out. Andrew: Mr. Bennett! Ben! I don’t know how to get there! Kenneth: I do. Cut to the hearse where Andrew is sitting in the passenger seat. Kenneth is in the driver seat, shakily trying to put the key in the ignition. Andrew: Do you know how to drive? Kenneth: I've watched Uncle Ben a million times. Andrew: I mean, do you have a license? Kenneth: Yes I do. Cut to Kenneth driving erratically. Andrew: You’ve been there before, right!? Kenneth: Oh sure, it's not so bad. I've been there lots of times. Andrew: Really? Kenneth: Don't worry. Everything is gonna be okay. Kenneth runs a stop sign, and a police car begins to follow them with its emergency lights and siren on. Kenneth: Uh oh. Andrew: Oh, just great! Kenneth starts speeding up. Andrew: What are you doing? Kenneth: I don't have a driver's license. Andrew: What!? You- you said you did! Kenneth: I’m sorry! Andrew: Kenneth, pull over. You have to pull over! Kenneth: I don't want to get in trouble! Andrew: You can't outrun a police car in a hearse! Kenneth attempts to pull over, but the police car rams the hearse in the back. Andrew: What was that!? Kenneth: I think he's trying to drive us off the road! Andrew: We are off the road! Kenneth leads the chase through a field. Andrew: Speed up! Go faster! Kenneth: But you just said not to! Andrew: Go! Kenneth manages to get back onto a road, but the police car is still chasing them. The police car catches up and pulls alongside the hearse. The police officer looks over at them and reveals his glowing eyes. He then begins to ram the hearse from the side. Kenneth slams on the brakes, coming to a stop, allowing the cop to pass. Andrew: I don't think this is police procedure. The police car begins to reverse and ram into the hearse from the front. Andrew: Hang on! The police car pulls forward and then begins to reverse towards them again. Andrew: Punch it! Kenneth: Stop, go, stop, go, make up your mind! Andrew: Come on! Andrew reaches his leg over and hits the accelerator. The hearse clips the police car as they speed away. Andrew: Did you see the look in his eye? Kenneth: No. Kenneth turns around to look, causing him to go off road a bit. Andrew: Don’t do that! How much further is it? Kenneth: I don’t know. Andrew: What do you mean you don't know? Kenneth: To where? Andrew: Do you know where Cry Baby Lane is? Kenneth: No. Andrew: You are an idiot! Kenneth: I’m sorry. The police car begins to catch back up. Kenneth: Ah, here he comes again. Andrew: We have to get rid of him, all right? Up there, turn right. Kenneth: Turn right. Andrew: Not yet! Kenneth turns right suddenly and drives into the woods, banging up the hearse.. Andrew: Now we’re lost! After getting out of the hearse, Andrew looks around and spots an old abandoned farmhouse in the distance. Andrew: This is it. Kenneth: Nah. Andrew: It’s gotta be. Just like in the story. Kenneth: Let’s leave. Andrew: Kenneth! Kenneth: I’m hungry. Andrew: No you’re not. You’re scared. So am I, but we have to do this! Don’t you see what’s going on here? It's got everybody! We're the only ones that could stop it! It’s got my brother. Andrew hears crying. As he’s looking around, Kenneth gets back into the hearse. Suddenly, Carl is seen in the distance, laughing maniacally. Carl: Andrew! Andrew: Carl. Kenneth: Cool. Carl: I’m coming to get you, baby brother! Kenneth: What are you doing? Andrew: You don’t understand! Andrew gets in the hearse and starts reversing away from the approaching Carl. They end up in a field with tall growth. Andrew gets on top of the hearse to look around. Kenneth gets out and shines a flashlight in Andrew’s face. Kenneth: Ooooooooo. Andrew: Stop. Stop it! Crying can be heard, once again. Kenneth: Carl? Andrew: No. Andrew climbs down off the hearse and takes the flashlight. Andrew: Come on. Kenneth reluctantly follows Andrew into the field. After a while, they begin to hear a strange noise. Andrew: What is that? Kenneth: What? Andrew: Listen. Suddenly, Andrew and Kenneth see a combine harvester headed straight for them. Andrew: Run! Run! The driver’s eyes glow as he chases them down. Kenneth: I wish Uncle Ben was here! Kenneth gets back to the hearse and hides inside. The combine harvester crashes into the hearse, smashing its windows and flipping it on its side. Andrew has lost Kenneth, not knowing where he is. He stops in a small clearing and looks around. Andrew: Kenneth? Kenneth? Suddenly, the girl scouts appear from out of the brush. Megan: Hi Andrew. Others: Hi. What do you want? Louise: We’re bored. Others: Yeah! Megan: we want to play a game Andrew: I'm busy. Maybe some other time Louise: you'll like this game Andrew attempts to leave, but Kathy blocks his way. Kathy: Kiss me, Andrew. Andrew: What? Kathy: I want you to kiss me. Don't you like me? Andrew: I know what's happened to you Kathy: Kiss and tell. Andrew: No! All the girls laugh. Megan: You have a choice, Andrew. Louise: Kiss or chi-chi. Andrew: What’s chi-chi? All the girls laugh. Andrew: Let me go, okay? All: Lame! Megan: What are you afraid of? Andrew: If I kiss her, will you let me go? Louise: Scouts’ honor. As Andrew moves closer to Kathy, her eyes begin to glow. She opens her mouth and puts her tongue out, revealing a live spider crawling out of her mouth. Andrew backs away, repulsed. All the girls laugh. Megan: No kiss? Louise: Then chi-chi. Andrew: What’s chi-chi!? Suddenly, a very large, hulking girl scout appears out of the brush. Andrew: Becky? Becky swings and misses with a right hook, as Andrew ducks. Andrew: What are you doing!? Becky: Stand still! Becky pushes Andrew to the ground. All the girls root and cheer for Becky. Becky: Get up! Andrew gets up and begins to run away. Becky loses track of Andrew, who leaves his flashlight on the ground to distract her. Becky: Weber. Becky kicks the flashlight. Suddenly, Andrew’s legs come out from the brush and take down Becky with the same move that Carl used to take him down earlier. Becky lies face down on the ground, knocked out. Andrew goes to retrieve his flashlight, which happens to have landed right on the grave of the good twin. He then begins to hear the laugh of the evil twin. Ignoring it, he starts pulling on the weed growing from the grave. Evil Twin: Come to my grave, Andrew. The glowing worms appear, and Andrew suddenly finds himself at the evil twin’s grave in the cemetery. He hears the evil laughter again before being pulled underground like Carl was earlier. Evil Twin: Way to go, Andrew. Andrew: Who is that? What did you do to Carl? Evil Twin: Oh nothing. You know, me and Carl just like to, well, play together. He’s fun. Andrew: Look- Evil Twin: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You gotta see this. Andrew: I don’t want to see anything! Evil Twin: You gotta see my collection. The Evil Twin picks up a handful of worms. Evil Twin: You want to be in my collection? Worms begin to fall onto Andrew and the Evil Twin begins to eat the worms in his hand. Trying to get away, Andrew crawls into an opening and finds himself in a coffin with the Evil Twin’s skeleton. Andrew: Let me out! Andrew backs out of the coffin. Evil Twin: No! You're mine, Andrew. I'm your brother now. The Evil Twin’s eyes begin to glow, and Andrew’s eyes slowly begin to glow, as well. Andrew shines his flashlight into the Evil Twin’s face, disrupting his possession. Evil Twin: Brave boy. Andrew: You’re not my brother! Andrew throws the flashlight at the Evil Twin, causing him to disappear. Andrew remembers what Mr. Bennett told him: “There's a weed that comes from the twin’s heart. You have to cut the root.” Andrew crawls back through the opening in the wall, and into the coffin with the skeleton. He reaches into the skeleton’s chest and grabs the root of the weed. Evil Twin: You can't stop me, Andrew. You can’t stop me. As Andrew pulls harder and harder on the weed, dirt begins to fall into the coffin. Just as he’s about to be buried alive, the root of the weed gives. Andrew has won. Cut to morning at the grave of the Good Twin, where out of his weed is now growing purple flowers. Andrew wakes up and gets up from the ground. Kathy appears out of the brush. Andrew: Kathy? Kathy: Andrew! What’s happening!? How did I get here!? Andrew: Stop it! Kathy: Where is everybody!? Andrew: You don’t remember? Kathy: No! Andrew: And you don’t know what happened? Kathy: It’s like a nightmare! Andrew: It's okay. It's all right. Andrew bends down and picks a flower from the Good Twin’s grave. He offers it to Kathy. Andrew: Here. Kathy: What, no card? They both laugh. Then Andrew starts to look around. Kathy: What? Andrew: Kenneth… Cut to the hearse, where Kenneth crawls out the back door. Combine Driver: You okay, sport? Kenneth: I think I chipped a tooth. Combine Driver: I think I lost my mind. Can you give me a hand here? Andrew and Kathy come running over. Andrew: Kenneth! What happened? Kenneth: Nothing. Becky emerges. Becky: Do they give a merit badge for weird? Kathy goes running over to her to talk. Andrew looks on as Kenneth helps the old man out of the driver’s seat of the combine harvester. Cut to Carl sitting on his front porch steps. Andrew is walking toward him. Carl: I really had a strange dream. Andrew: Yeah? Carl: Yeah. Maybe I am insane. Andrew sits next to Carl. Andrew: No you're not. You’re okay. You watch too much wrestling, but… They both laugh. Carl: Yeah. Okay, pay attention to me, Andrew. I'm only gonna say this once. I've been doing some thinking, and - um- if you ever tell anyone that i apologized to you, i'm gonna deny it, and then i'm gonna rip your throat out. That’s all. Andrew: I accept. Carl and Andrew get up and start putting their mailbox back up. Cut to Bennett’s Funeral Home, in the parlor, where the story began. Mr. Bennett, Carl, and Kathy are sitting. Bennett: And that's the way it all happened. Kathy: Where do you come up with this stuff? Andrew: Kathy, an undertaker lives a life of intrigue. Bennett: True, true. Kenneth enters with a stuffed dog. Kenneth: Tell the one about the time we embalmed the guy that wasn't all the way dead. Bennett: Well, I think we better wait for Carl. Andrew: I think Carl’s had enough stories for a while. Cut to the hobbit hole with Hall and Carl. Hall: You want the ring, Baggins? You have to go through me, first! Come and get it! Carl: Oh I'll get that ring and the heavyweight championship belt, too! Carl and Hall playfully fight. Cut to outside the hobbit hole. The Evil Twin’s laughter can be heard as the camera sinks into the ground. Roll credits |
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